So, for those who know me, I'm moving to Charleston, WV, soon. I don't know how people in the military do it - moving so often. I'm tired of moving. This will be my fourth city in two years. But it's for a permanent job.  If I can pass the 6-month probationary period. Hopefully I can fake that I know what I'm doing for that long, lol.

It's been a tough two years, but thank you to everyone who's supported me. Life has been so different since I got diagnosed as bipolar. The new meds work so well. And I'm happy again. And I have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me like a princess.  Things are good. I just really want to thank people for standing by me when things were horrible, even if they got mad at me and made me be accountable for my actions, it all helped.

Love you all,
Claire

New med

So, just a quick update for anyone who may be curious.

I went to my new psychiatrist today.  She seems okay so far.  Though it takes forever to get an appointment.  My next appointment is scheduled for two months from now, though I'm on the waiting list for a cancellation in a month, in case tons of people cancel I guess.  Though who would be crazy enough to cancel with these wait times? eeks.

Anyways, she thinks I have adhd. Which it seems like every single therapist and psychiatrist I've ever had has brought up.  But no one ever gets around to dealing with it.  Cause it's never the most pressing issue, of course. And I do understand that it's hard to tell if it's my anxiety or true adhd. So getting other things under control is important for multiple reasons.

Anyway, she thinks I might have ultra rapid cycling bipolar disorder. Which didn't exist until more recently. It used to be you had to have episodes that lasted for months and months. Then someone discovered rapid cycling bipolar which requires a minimum of four mood changes in a year. Now apparently there's some other step which is mood changes around once a week.  And then there's what she said I might have, which is multiple mood changes over the course of a day.  And I did some online digging around and it seems like bpd, which I worried I had, and this type of bipolar often get diagnosed together and it's not really clear what the difference is between them, etc. And the treatment routes are pretty much the same anyway (at least when it comes to meds, not so much with the therapy types that work).

So she put me on abilify. Which apparently is for schizophrenics, bipolar people, and as an adjunct med to antidepressants for individuals with major depression disorder. And it looks like the literature believes that often rapid cycling bipolar is misdiagnosed as depression because people tend to spend more time in the depression state - significantly more time.  So using it as an adjunct therapy for people with depression may just really be indicating that they were misdiagnosed in the first place.  Anyway, the hope is that this will help me to stabilize my moods and then we can work on cutting back on some of my other meds and start treating the adhd so hopefully I can stay focused occasionally.

Oh, and I'm still with Ben from Pittsburgh.  He's being super sweet and supportive.  And thinks I'm perfect despite all my obvious flaws.  So things are going well so far. I don't trust relationships so I'm kinda waiting for this one to go bad.  But who knows. I'll stay cautious, though.

Everyone have a good weekend!

Being accused of stealing

Some things have happened in the online world lately that just leave me sad and confused.  I was accused of stealing things by an individual who by all counts dislikes me. A lot.  And it appears that most everyone has decided to believe the other person and not me.  I even at one point began to doubt myself and so went back to check what I had taken.  But no, it's all mine.  All of it.  (Well, except for a chair which I grabbed by accident and I mailed it back to its rightful owner with an apology.  But as far as I can tell, the chair is not what I was accused of stealing.)

In fact, there are many items in the guild still that are rightfully mine but that I didn't take because I couldn't prove they were mine if asked and because that fight to me just wasn't worth fighting.  Which makes it even more, sad? ironic? frustrating? that I'm being accused.  When I asked if I could at least come and get the things that had my name on them, I was informed that since I stole, I should just take what I got and be happy about it.  /sigh.  Seeing as I didn't get anything that wasn't mine, that doesn't really provide any satisfaction.  But whatever.  I give up.  I'm not going to win.  I'm just soooooo fucking frustrated about it all.

The funny thing is, that this first started over like 4 white floor tiles that I was accused of stealing.  But - they weren't even stolen in the first place. At all. I decided not to fight that battle as those 4 floor tiles weren't really worth it to me.  So I said okay, and gave them back.  Now, granted, it did take me a month to get them back.  A month during which I didn't log on (maybe once briefly to check the broker, but if so it was only for a few minutes).  A month during which I was struggling with a lot - kicking C out of my apartment, ending up in the hospital again for overdosing.  Those are the main highlights.  So, yeah, let's just say that returning someone's fake floor tiles were not at the top of my list of things to do.  They really weren't.  I didn't not log on to be malicious.  Or for any nefarious reason except that I was busy dealing with other crap.

Well, when I finally did log on, within minutes, I got a tell from K asking me if I was going to return the stuff I "stole."  Well, that set me off.  And I called her a bitch.  Not my finest moment of course.  But I stand by the fact that she called me a thief and so I called her a name back.  We were both in the wrong.  But it was demanded that me, and me alone, apologize.  I declined to do so.  I did suggest that if we were both required to apologize, that I would do my part.  But it was made clear to me that I was the only one who was impolite and therefore I should be the only one to apologize.  That was just too much for me.  I'd already rolled over and let the girl screw me once.  I wasn't about to let her do it again.  So I stood up for myself and said no, I do not feel that I need to apologize and I will not do it. 

Anyway, long story short she then later accused me of stealing other stuff and I got kicked.  While I was offline.  No one asked me if I'd done it.  No one asked me to check my bags to make sure I didn't take something that wasn't mine.  Nobody even told me I was getting kicked. I logged back in and thought my game wasn't working because I couldn't talk to the banker.  So there I stood in the middle of the guild hall, making a fool of myself for several minutes, until I realized what had happened.  Lovely.

Anyway, I talked to Ben about this and he thinks that there are some people who are used to pushing me around and to me not putting up a fight in the end and just acquiescing.  And that when I do stand up for myself, it pisses them off because I'm not their little servant anymore.  Towing the line and all that.  I don't know if that's what happened here, but it does make some sense.  Of what little sense I can take from all of this.

So what's the takeaway lesson?  I don't know.  I really don't.  Stand up for yourself the first time someone accuses you of stealing so that you don't get accused later on for something you didn't do?  I don't know what would have happened it I had done that.  So much for trying to be nice and not rock the boat too much there. I think maybe the biggest lesson is don't trust that online friends are actually friends?  That seems kind of depressing, though probably something I should take to heart. 

I worry that maybe the true lesson that I need to take from this is that there really are more mean people out there than nice people.  Or maybe not more of them, but they are maybe more forceful as they have more at stake.  I guess I see some people as not able to empathize and being extremely selfish.  So they only accept an outcome that puts them ahead.  Whereas those of us who do try to think of others (not that we're 100% successful, but we do try) see that person as an other and think, well, if they really want it that much, then let them have it.  But somehow that kicks you in the ass in the end.  Okay, I don't think this really makes much sense.  It makes sense in my head.  Anyway, I'm just sad that when push comes to shove, it seems that the mean really do win.  Because they have more to gain I guess.  I don't think I can believe in karma anymore.  I want to so badly.  But the world just doesn't work that way. 

Anyway, I guess that's all.

Don't be mad

Okay, so I know I'm not supposed to dating right now.  And I didn't really plan for this.  Or seek it out.  But I've been hanging out with Pittsburgh boy for the last several weekends.  And we get along really well.  And he's sweet about things.  And has read this blog and isn't completely freaked out.  (For those of you who care, this is the anthropology major guy I mentioned on TCF.)

Anyway, I feel kind of like I'm letting people down.  But I'm not sure what else to do.  I do think I need to get a little more done on the weekends rather than just sitting around and watching tv and talking.  And I think he's been really bad for my drinking issues.  I need to talk to him about that and obviously, if he can't be supportive and agree to discourage me from drinking, then I shouldn't take things any farther with him.  But otherwise I think I just need to try and not go too fast with things and just let things happen.  Which is not really my nature, but I can at least do my best.

As for other things going on right now, I'm enjoying doing cross-stitch.  I've found all these cool cross-stitch blogs.  And I went to Michael's this weekend and picked up most of the thread I need to finish my way overdue Christmas project.  And I bought my next pattern - a present I'm going to make for Pittsburgh boy.  And I talked to my mom and I'm going to try and stop by sometime in the next several weekends so I can grab a lot of her craft stuff.  She doesn't have time to work on these things right now, and it would save a lot of money to get fabric and foam and all that other good stuff from her.  And I have a groupon to Barnes and Noble that I think I'm going to use to buy a few crafting books.  One on making jewelry.  I haven't figured out the second one yet.  I figure I'll try a lot of things and see what I like. 

I also signed up for a knitting class this coming Saturday.  It's on continental knitting, which is supposed to be an easier technique than the American one.  And my coworker is going to teach me to cast on sometime this week.  I'd still like to learn how to use a sewing machine.  My mom is an excellent seamstress and I could ask her, but in the past we've never worked well together when trying to teach me things.  Like when I tried to learn to cook, she'd get exasperated with my 9 million questions and then take over.  I also get more easily frustrated when I try to learn from my parents.  So we'll see.  There's a local sewing store so maybe they'll offer a class too.

As most of you know, I got into the MAC choir so that's exciting.  Oh, and I found out about a knitting group that meets a few times a week at Panera so once I get a little better, I may go and try to meet them.  I still need to get my ass to yoga class.  And so on.  I'm actually looking forward to some things for once.

However, I'm still struggling a lot with my emotions.  This weekend I used a paper clip to scratch up my arm.  I wasn't trying to really injure myself, but I wanted to distract myself from feeling so sad.  And I think subconsciously I was using it to manipulate.  Which is horrible. And something I need to really learn how to stop.  I did forget about it and wear a t-shirt today.  oops. :o  I'll have to be careful about how I sit with my arms in the meeting today.  Maybe I'll just wear my sweater.

And that's about all. 

Charlie Sheen

I just read an interesting blog that posited that Charlie Sheen is suffering from a manic episode.  Well, technically they said he fits the definition of a "hypomanic" episode, which is apparently a less severe version of a manic episode.  The blog also said that one interview with Sheen stated that he is bipolar.  And that he has passed two blood tests.  (I have no direct knowledge if either of these assertions is true.) 

According to DSM-IV, a hypomanic episode is:

A) A distinct period of persistently elevated, expansive or irritable mood, lasting throughout at least 4 days, that is clearly different from the usual nondepressed mood.

B) During the period of mood disturbance, three (or more) of the following symptoms have persisted (four if the mood is only irritable) and have been present to a significant degree:
1) inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
2) decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)
3) more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
4) flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
5) distractibility (i.e., attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli)
6) increase in goal-directed activity (at work, at school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation
7) excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)

C) The episode is associated with an unequivocal change in functioning that is uncharacteristic of the person when not symptomatic.

D) The disturbance in mood and the change in functioning are observable by others.

E) The mood disturbance not severe enough to cause marked impairment in social or occupational functioning, or to necessitate hospitalization, and there are no psychotic features.

F) The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication or other treatment) or a general medical condition (e.g., hyperthyroidism)

I would say this definitely raises questions.  In which case I feel bad for him.  Most of us who have disordered thinking aren't having our every statement or action caught on tape.  No one's lining up asking for interviews.  For me, once I've calmed down enough to think back over what I just did, I'm humiliated and embarrassed, and apologetic.  Luckily my mood swings only last hours. I can't imagine having an entire nation talking about my antics.

Anyway, this is of course all contingent on whether he actually is going through a manic episode.  Well, no, I take that back.  Even if he is just a drug and alcohol addict, nymphomaniac, whatever, there still had to be some underlying reason that he started doing these things.  Those addictions have all been associated with mental illness, and even with genetic predisposition in some cases (no, I'm not putting references here, but feel free to ask and I'll dig some up).  For example, anxiety disorder is often associated with alcoholism as drinking provides an outlet for a person to relieve the symptoms, even though in the end it probably makes it worse.  So I think the only way I don't feel sympathetic for him is if he is really just a foolish person who thinks he's god's gift to humanity.  I don't know him personally, so that could be true as well.  Some people really are just assholes.  But I try to first give people the benefit of the doubt.  I need people to do that for me, so I would never expect anyone else to always be perfect (at least not while I'm thinking clearly).

Anyway, enough of my rambling.  I'm pasting a link to the blog where I got this from.

Blog link - click here

Avoiding work

So just some random things I felt like posting.

Let's see, I weighed myself and I think I'm down like 15 pounds from the last time I checked.  I'm going to officially state that I've lost 10 pounds because I'm fairly sure last time I weighed myself late in the day and this morning I weighed myself before I'd had anything to eat or even coffee.  Plus I didn't have much to drink the day before.  But I think I can notice it a little with the way my belt fits.  I can now put it on the last hole (the tightest one, not the loosest one) and not feel like I can't breathe or even all that uncomfortable.  Of course, if I eat a big meal then it doesn't work so well.  But I'm still happy there's at least a little progress.  Maybe I'll break out some of my smaller belts.  Okay, that was way too much discussion of my mini weight loss.  Moving on.

I think the more I think about the refusal to raise taxes for the rich, or at least to drop the tax cut they got, the more annoyed I get. I'll be especially annoyed if I lose my job due to all the budget cuts.  I really hope that millionaire out there is enjoying his Ferrari while the poor and middle class get dumped on again.  And it's sad to see all the things that are going to get cut and probably not be replaced.  And to see all the things that don't exist and now get further away from the possibility of ever existing.  Anyway, I'll stop ranting as I don't want to get overly political and run off some of my friends.  But I do want to note that I think this is a good sign - for the past many years I've stopped caring about politics and women's issues and civil rights and so on.  I haven't kept up on politics and the candidates.  And now I'm starting to care a little bit more.  Maybe because it's coming back to hit me personally.  But maybe also it shows that I'm maybe starting to care and be at least a little passionate about things again.

One final thing.  I saw my therapist yesterday.  She wants me to write about the first time I had sex and what effect the incident had on me.  And how I feel about it.  I'm not sure if I want to do that here or not.  And I'm not sure that I can even figure out *what* to write, no matter where I try to write it.  Because ultimately I can't know how it affected me because I'll never know how I'd have been otherwise.  Maybe I'd still be the same person, just with one less story.  Or maybe I'd be somebody very different.  Maybe my life would be better.  But maybe my life would be worse.  It's also hard to figure out how I feel about it because I remember so very little.  I don't know if I wanted it or didn't want it.  I don't know if I ever asked him to stop.  For all I know, I suggested it and was rubbing myself all up against him.  I wouldn't put that past me, especially given how drunk I was.  It's hard to look at the situation because I don't know if my current thoughts about it are how I really felt it at the time, or just the way I've painted it in retrospect so I could avoid coming to terms with it being my fault.

As far as how it affected me...well, I think up until that point, I'd been kind of a good girl.  Yeah, my friends and I drank sometimes.  But that was about it.  I had straight A's.  I played all kinds of sports.  I didn't do any drugs other than alcohol, and even that was rare.  I guess though I was a virgin, it wasn't by choice.  I'd been dating a guy for over a year.  But he didn't want to have sex before marriage.  Otherwise we would have.  And I think the fact that it happened the way it did, instead of with him, that hurt too.  But in the space of one night I became a cheater and that girl who has sex with random guys.  But I don't know what I thought or think about that.  Like when my friends would gossip that so-and-so had slept with her boyfriend, and then kind of criticize that.  I nodded but then I knew I was being a hypocrite.  If my friends were criticizing someone for sleeping with a long-term boyfriend, what would they say about what I did?  Anyway, I don't think this all makes sense, and I'm not really sure how to make sense of it.  I don't want to go back into therapy and just throw my hands up in the air and say I can't do this and I can't ever put this event into perspective.  But I also have no idea how to make sense where there isn't any.  It is and always will be something that happened and something that I regret.  Anyway, I'm going to shut up now because I really am rambling now. :p

Before I go, I just wanted to say that I found this link interesting.  Not one I want to share on Facebook, though.

http://borderlinephd.blogspot.com/2011/03/march-madness.html

Meditation

So I went to meditation class this morning.  I was the only person there so it was more a one-on-one tutorial.  Reminder to self - find a new way to sit next time, my feet fell so asleep that I couldn't move my toes for several minutes.

Anyway, it started out well.  I felt a little light-headed as I always do when I try breathing exercises. But I was having happy thoughts, even though I was having trouble figuring out what positive word to focus on would work best for me.  I started out with relax, then cycled through acceptance, strength, and love.  Yeah, yeah, I know it kinda makes me want to roll my eyes too, but it's something I need, I think.

Anyway, then during the last part, my mind wandered to the first time I had sex.  I can't remember if I've written about this here before, so I'll just tell the brief story.  Anyway, I was 15, and my friends and I went down to WVU for the back-to-school party/festival/concert thingy.  We drank a bunch of beer then headed over to the student union.  Juliana Hatfield was playing, which was an artist I loved (and still do enjoy, actually), but I was the only one of my friends who liked her.  So I told my friends I wanted to stay for the concert and they apparently told me they'd be right inside the Mountainlair (the student union), but I don't remember if I heard them say that or not.

I ended up talking to the guy next me and at the end, I turned around and realized I didn't know where my friends had gone.  So he offered me a ride back to where I was staying, and I accepted.  He said that his truck was at his apartment so we'd have to go get it.  On the way to the truck, we stopped off at a keg that was on a random person's porch, grabbed some beer, and kept walking.  When we finally got to his place, he had to break through his window because his roommates were gone and he'd forgotten his keys.  He came around and opened the front door and asked if I wanted a beer and to listen to music.  I figured it was early so I said yes.

I don't remember much of the rest of the night.  I remember having at least one more beer.  And then being in his bedroom with me writing my number and his number on the back of beer bottle labels (classy, I know). And then my clothes being on the floor and thinking that was quick.  Then him on top of me and me saying, no, I'll get pregnant, and him taking my hand and pushing it down to feel the condom (I really had no idea what I was looking for) and me saying, oh.  Then I woke up the next morning.  The walk home was horrible. I wasn't sure where I was going and I felt that everyone I passed knew what I had done.  I was mad at myself for getting myself into that situation.  And ashamed. 

I finally found my friends and lied to them that I had ended up at a party and passing out on the couch.  At one point I pulled one friend aside and told her what I thought had happened.  She asked if I remembered all of it and I said no, not really.  And then she said that it probably didn't happen.  I hate to put this on my friend, and I know she was just as young as me and had no idea what to do about it, but that was the moment when I decided, based on her reaction, that I should hide it and not tell anyone else.  Had she given me a different reaction, maybe lots of things would have turned out different.  But we were young and confused and didn't know how to handle it.

I didn't tell anyone what happened until college.  And I still blame myself.  Although less than I used to.

Anyway, so the thought of that event intruded into my head and it just wouldn't go away.  And I started feeling really strong emotions of hate and anger - things I've never really felt in connection with that incidence.  And I was trying to, as the instructor was telling me to, process those emotions and then breathe them out.  But I just couldn't.  I felt like I wanted to cry but couldn't.  And I started kind of having a nightmare even though I was awake.  And I couldn't put my finger on the visions and thoughts I was having - they were so abstract.  They were almost like pure representations of feeling I guess.  Or maybe something that I'm trying to keep myself from thinking so my brain was unsuccessfully trying to mask the thoughts from my view. I don't know.  I really, really don't know.  All I could get out of it was the feeling of smooth surfaces overlapping and things clicking together.  It was the same feeling I used to have as a child when I had these nightmares I couldn't figure out - back then it felt more like looking at clowns tumbling over and over through a kaleidoscope.  But back then I knew that wasn't right, that it wasn't something I could really label.

Anyway, I'm rubbish at explaining this, but it was a disturbing feeling.  And one I desperately wanted to get rid of.  But I also felt like I was trying to make sense of something and I should just let it happen.  At the same time I was listening to the instructor talk about pretending I was slipping into water and floating, and so I felt like I was floating all alone with these horrible thoughts and it felt like I was super far away from her, from anybody.  So I had to peek a couple times just to make sure she was still there.  Because with her still there, I felt barely safe.  If she hadn't been there, I don't know, but it makes me cry to think about it.

So I know this post makes no sense.  But I'm trying to write it all down while it's still fairly fresh in my memory.  And so I can take it to my therapist on Monday and see what she thinks.  And maybe someone else may have a comment.  I don't know.  But I still feel really shaken about the whole thing.  And disturbed.